I blame dry skin.

Want a peek into my mind? Here was my train of thought today...

I was driving to school this morning, enjoying the gorgeous day. As I was driving, I was wondering if I brought lotion since I ran out of time to put it on this morning. This led me to think about how dry my skin gets. THEN, my train of thought went to, "You know, I won't ever have a biological child. He or she will never have to deal with the possibility of getting my trait of super dry skin, among other horrible traits." It's weird how that infertility demon will appear out of no where.

Well, then (yes, bizarre jump here) but I got to thinking about historical times where women were judged by their fertility (yes, I know, they're STILL judged). And that led to me thinking about a simulation I did back when I worked AmeriCorps. We took part in a simulation set during times of slavery. We walked to the Levi Coffin house (huge abolitionist) and took on the roles of slaves. We were being bought and sold according to physical attributes.

I distinctly remember one slave owner (guy in costume who yelled a lot) looking at me and saying, "I want her. She's got good birthing hips. She'll give us lots of babies. More farm hands." I wasn't offended in the least because I was totally caught up in the role. It was super emotional and humbling.

Well, fast forward back to this morning. On my drive, I honestly got to thinking about what my life would be like if I couldn't have produced any babies for them. *shivers*

Regardless of what anyone says, I believe those who cannot or choose not to have biological children are still totally judged today. People look at me differently because my children are not biologically mine. People assume a lot of things. And the pain is real.

Childless couples often feel as though they haven't received a membership into the "Parents Club" and have to stand outside the circle and just watch. Families fall apart due to infertility and these issues. It's real, and it's ugly. (It's still not as ugly as being shunned by your tribe/family, beaten, or killed because of it--all of which happens worldwide.)

My conclusion? Infertility (or not being able to have biological children) just sucks. There's no way around it. It feels totally unfair to those who are affected by it. But I'm preaching to the choir to some of you.

After my hysto this past summer, I had to come to grips with the fact that I will never even have the option to give birth to a child. I grieved it in July, again in August, and September, and October...you get the idea. But it wasn't until several months later that I really had a breakdown about it all. I thought I had gone off the deep end. But, I needed to really truly grieve it, and I did. Am I over it? Today, right this second, I'm ok with it. But tomorrow, I might not be, who knows?

But I'm one of the lucky ones. God saw a bigger picture. My daughters. My life. Abby and Laney. He knew what I did not. He knows the end of my story, THANKFULLY!

I wouldn't take back any of the heartache, pain, prayers, and tears. If taking any of that back would change the course of my life, I wouldn't take them back. I am who I am supposed to be. Where I'm supposed to be. With my daughters and my husband. Living a life dedicated to God. Striving toward obedience. All thanks to some sperm and eggs being socially inept.

Which all leads me to thinking about how blessed I am that international adoption was an option for us. It soon, might not be an option for others.

I'm scared to death that recent stupid decisions made by an adoptive family (TN woman sending her son back to Russia with just a note) will affect the future of adoption. It will negatively impact the lives of orphans worldwide. That heartless move could be forever known as, "The child sent 'round the world" (play on the shot heard round the world). Governments worldwide tend to already be shifting as far as adoption goes. What message does this ridiculous action send them? All it takes is one bad apple...

So it's our turn to pray. Pray for government officials that are a part of the adoption arena. Pray their hearts are softened and that they don't lump all adoptive families together and associate them with this bad apple. Pray for orphans worldwide that may not ever know the love of a family. Pray for the childless couples that long to love a child and may not have that opportunity to because of this situation.

Pray first. Then follow the directions in the post below this one. It's important that you take action!

There you have it. Welcome to my train of thought. Pretty deep for a Wednesday morning.