Friday, June 19, 2009

Therapy Part 4-For Real

OK, so I hope the girls don't wake up from naps yet. I want to get this post done before we do our Father's Day presents this afternoon!

So, let's see, I left off spilling my guts to the world that we followed God's lead about a potential foster daughter, grieved that loss when it wasn't meant to be, got sunburned beyond words, and found out I have to have a hysterectomy...and that all happened in one week.

Since then, I have been teaching at my summer job which is a two week safety course with five year olds. That is a SLIGHT change from the usual fifth graders I teach! It is only half days and I work with a fire chief, and some police officers that make it all worth it. To see grown men in uniform sing, "The Wheels on the Bus" is just priceless! And those kiddos sure do learn something!!! I was lucky this time too, because Sarah's little cutie Amaya was in my class, as well as another friend's daughter and son! It was a fun, tiring, long, hysterical couple of weeks! The money pays for our vacation and the laughs are endless.

To celebrate, I picked up the girls today from their last day at the sitter (*sobs* she was wonderful) and went straight to Dairy Queen (local ice cream shop). In the 90 degree heat I ordered them big ice cream cones and let them eat and drip and get it all down their faces, hands, arms, dresses, and shoes. When Tony surprised us by showing up there, he was shocked I let them do that. I figured, what the heck. It's hot. My last day. And my girls deserved a big ole cone of delicious sugar! YUM!

In the evenings we have been doing house projects to get ready for some good friends to come and stay with us a couple of days. Nothing like house guests to light a fire on getting housework done! They'll be here Monday through Wednesday, then on Friday we leave for vacation!!! Then it's back home for a couple of days, surgery, healing, and hopefully a few more house guests!

Speaking of the surgery...I've been going through a whole denial, embrace, face head-on, play ostrich, cry, shout, plead, ache, laugh thing over it. Yeah. I'm a woman. I have emotions. I'm hormonal. If I'm all over the map about this now, imagine what the hormone situation will be AFTER the surgery? YIKES! Pray for Tony!

I like to think that I'm usually a positive person. I mean, I look for the good in situations. When someone cuts me off while driving, I usually grumble at first, but then send a prayer up because maybe they're in a rush due to a loved one's need. Or if someone knocks into me at the store with out saying an apology, I assume they're having a rough day and are just on a mission. I know that's not exactly positive, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

This surgery is no different. I have thought all of the same things you all have been saying. I'll try to give both sides...let's see:

Negative: UUGH, surgery? Pain and healing for weeks!
Positive: Someone else gets to cook dinner and wait on ME!

Negative: Surgery right after vacation?
Positive: My house won't be dirty because no one will be home (except our house sitter and friend) to mess it up!

Negative: You can't lift the girls for a while.
Positive: They can crawl in bed and snuggle with me to watch TV and read (WHICH, happens to be their favorite activity)

Negative: No biological babies. Ever.
Positive: No more periods. Ever.

Negative: Our genetics will not get passed on.
Positive: Our genetics (and allergies) will not get passed on.

Oh, trust me. There are some negatives I can't quite find the positive spin for yet. But I will. In due time. I'm gonna share some personal turmoil here. Let me know if you've ever felt the same (if this applies to you). I'm wrestling with two emotions/thoughts mostly.

1. I feel like a failure.

I know that it's really not my fault. I mean, in the core of me, I know it's not. But I can't help but wonder...if I had lost weight..would that have helped? *shrugs* who knows. But, I do feel like a failure. My body was designed to do one thing...carry a baby. No, it's not the most important thing to me in the world and I can't count how many people have said, "But you have two beautiful babies." I do. I'm not denying that. I would give up any organ necessary to have my daughters. They are my life. They couldn't be more MY children if I had birthed them myself. But regardless of that, it's something in a woman's psyche, I think. Having bio kids was never an important factor in my life, but when you're told you can't...well, it sort of hits you. The one thing my body was designed to do, can't do it. There's no pretty way to put it. It just sucks. I guess in the back of my mind I always thought, "Well, if we decide to have bio kids, we will!" I feel like I have let Tony down. He will NEVER admit that I have, though. He has been the most wonderful thing ever throughout all of this. But I can't help that feeling. We will never have a little strawberry blonde haired, blue eyed, fair skinned little person running around that carries on his genetics. Mine, I don't care so much about...but his I do.

Even as I'm typing this, I start thinking about how much our almond shaped eyed, brown haired, olive skinned beauties carry so much of us in them though. They might not LOOK like us (which Tony begs to differ....hhehehe) but oh man. There is no denying they are our children. The looks they shoot. The phrases they use. The mannerisms they exhibit. They SCREAM Rett and Tony. It's such a God thing. They don't have our DNA, but oh baby, they are us. So see...there's the positive. It's just that the sadness of not being ABLE to carry a baby, still has a little tiny cobwebbed corner of my heart. Eventually it will get cleaned out and heal. But for now, it's still there.


2. The second thought that keeps nagging at me is a bit crude. Sorry. Men and women are separated by only a few things. Reproductive organs, boobs, and a vagina (which is really all part of the same system.) Therefore, when the doctors take out my remaining ovary and uterus, all I have that men do not are boobs and a vagina. This is where I get ticked. In this sinful world we live in, it is NOW POSSIBLE for men to get boobs and a vagina!!!!!! SO where does that leave me???? Will I feel like less of a woman? Maybe. But that's where I'm hoping hormones help! Hehehe...but it's frustrating. I have a feeling that a shopping trip designed to buy girlie things will be happening once I'm on the mend! Look out, Tony!

Ahh...so there. I have more thoughts on the topic...but they'll develop the closer to surgery I get. Plus, this is yet ANOTHER long post without pictures. Should I drum up one of a uterus? How about an ovary? Boobs? Naah. I'll save that one for later. Hmmm, I wonder if the surgeon would be willing to take a picture of my uterus for the blog? Sheesh, the amount I'm paying him, I should at least get a picture right? I might just ask! HA!

Thanks for listening and hanging with me, my friends. I just skirt the edge of being brutally honest about my emotions on this topic, and censoring some. It's just a tough spot. But I'm so beyond blessed and I am going to choose to see the positive. However, if you happen to catch me when my hormones are out of whack and I think I hear my uterus yowling about having a baby...humor me. I know I have beautiful kids. I know I won't ever have to wear a tampon again. I know that birth control will be an issue of the past. But it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't ache just a little. Be patient. I'll heal.

Description

5 comments:

Jaime said...

i know you're in a crummy spot but i cracked up when you got to the part about men can now have boobs adn a vajayjay! CRACKED UP! how true how true. i cna't really relate to your whole situation yet, but i remember getting the diagnosis of PCOS and lack of progesterone in my system and told I cannot make and/or carry a baby... i too felt like a failure.. that i failed my husband, my family and all creation. i felt broken and unrepairable.
take care. you're in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

DEAR SWEET TATER, I AM SOMEWHAT SET ABACK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS ON NOT HAVEING OR(CARRYING)YOUR BABIES.MAYBE YOU WON"T BE HAVING ANY BABIES BUT BELIEVE ME , YOU WILL BE CARRYING YOUR BABIES ! CARRING THEM UP AND DOWN STEPS, IN AND OUT OF CARS, CARRYING THEM MOST OF ALL IN YOUR HEART.SOME OTHERS WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO JUST LOOK AT THE LOVE IN LITTLE ONES EYES, YOU DO. OR TO BE WOKE UP BY BEING KISSED ON YOUR FACE AND HEAR GIGGLES WHEN THEY THINK YOU ARE ASLEEP. AND SOMETIMES HIDING WHEN YOU COME IN JUST SO THEY CAN HEAR YOU SAY...OH MY WHERE ARE THEY, I MISSED THEM SO TODAY) AND THEY COME OUT LAFFING. SO MUCH FUN.ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE NOW ,NOT WHAT YOU WILL MISS.MY HEART IS WITH YOU AND I DO KNOW WHAT YOU MUST FEEL`,BUT DO NOT WORRY,GOD IS SAYING TO YOU ...I GOT YA.... ENUFF SAID.I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW EVERYTHING IS FOR A REASON. AND IN TIME YOU WILL SEE THE REASON. MORE THAN ANYTHING JUST REMENBER,I AM WITH YOU FOR THE LONG HAUL. MY WISH FOR YOU ,SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS WITH BUBBLEGUM KISSES.MOM

Chris and Sarah said...

I'll bring you dinner my friend.

I know this is a serious post but you had me laughing. Can you imagine how many new readers you would have if you put up a picture of boobs?

I'm glad your being real!

IzzyBeth said...

Rett -

Even though I am not facing the surgery you are facing - many of the thoughts you are having are thoughts I have myself all the time.

I am feeling this with you. Loving and praying for you!!!

Mom Of Many said...

Okay sweet friend, I know we talked, but I just had to say, that the "I will feel less like a woman" is exactly how I felt too. It's normal. You are no less of woman with a hysterectomy, but it is normal to wonder if you will feel that way when it is all said and done? You don't. Infact it never has even crossed my mind since my hyster. BUT I thought I would feel that way.

I think (for me) that it was a million times worse leading up to it...and after...not so much!! I bet you'll say the same thing! Promise!!

And as far as a picture of the uterus?? I asked for one and got it....and I have a crazy True Story Tuesday story to tell about getting the pic of mine...I'll share it soon. Ask for one too. We can compare them when I come (J/K)...Love to you! xo