Monday, February 01, 2010

A Season of Change's one of the reasons I live where I do.  I get to experience the crisp colors of fall (my favorite), the freezing snow of winter, the rainy newness of spring, and the sweltering heat of summer. 

Well, I'm entering a new season here.  And it's not one I enjoy.  It's a season of growth.  Of growing up.  Of changes, fears, and hopes.  It's the acknowledgement that my parents are getting older.  Their bodies are made in the image of God, but they are human. No, they're not dying.  But they're aging to the point I have to notice.

My mom has been sick and in the hospital.  Her ailments are private and for her to share only.  But let me say, it has been taxing.  It has been hard on her body, mind, and spirit.  It has been anguish for her family to see. 

As I might have mentioned before, I am the baby of the family.  My sisters and brother were annoyed because they thought I got away with everything.  My nieces and nephews were close in age and grew tired of me being spoiled.  And I was.  I'll admit it.  My parents made my life wonderful.  Regardless of finances or family situations, I never had to worry about my next meal (My mom is a great cook...and I'm proof!).  I never had to worry about hearing them bicker or worry.  They kept that between themselves.  They raised me to be proud of who I was.  To never let my mouth say something I couldn't back up.  They had nearly perfected parenting by the time they got to me.  Goodness, I never even knew what political party they were because they wanted to raise me to be an independent thinker and formulate my own opinions.

Due to my idyllic upbringing, I tended to be an ostrich when it came to their illnesses and worries.  My dad had open heart surgery several years back, and honestly, I cannot tell you a lot of details about it because I don't know them.  I didn't want to know them.  I liked living in my perfect world.  And he made it through, so my world continued on.  My heart hurts when I think about how much I missed out on by hiding my head in the sand.  

Well, with my mom sick now, I've had to grow up.  I have had to be an adult.  Yes, it's time, but it's hard.  Seriously hard.  I had to stand up to a doctor (with my sister alongside me).  Worse yet, I had to stand up to my mother.  I had to see the pain in her eyes when I told her I disagreed with her.  Hurtful words were said in and among my family.  It broke my heart.  It rocked me to the core.

There is still some of that little girl in me though.  This past week, every time I would go to pray, the words weren't there.  It was like, I couldn't acknowledge that this was pretty serious.  My mom and dad are my own personal superheroes sent by God.  However, with the title of hero comes some pretty unrealistic expectations that we put on them.  See, my parents aren't supposed to get sick.  EVER.  And if they do, it should just be a cold.  Because a hero cannot be down for long.  They have crime to fight and a world to save.  I would sit there and look at God (through my prayers) and be at a loss.  I couldn't pray.  I mean, it was my mom, right?  She would bounce back.  She always does. 

I would ask for prayers everywhere.  I'd ask my co-teachers to pray, my friends on FB, my small group, my husband, my daughters.  But for some reason, I just could not pray.  Want the truth?  I think it was because if I was honest enough with God that my mom was really sick than I would have to realize that myself.  And I didn't want to.  I wanted to go back to being an ostrich.  It just isn't fair!  My girls are young.  She and dad have already had the opportunity to spoil their other grandchildren, and now great grandchildren.  It was MY turn.  MY girls deserve the time too!  What if we adopt again?  They should know their Granny!  Selfish?  Yes, but I'm being real here.

So here I am in this season of life.  The season of reality where I begin to understand my superheros aren't immortal.  They have weaknesses.  They feel pain and hurt. 

Yes, God already knows.  He is just waiting for me to give it to Him.  I am His daughter as well, and I know He doesn't want to see me in pain.  But, oh the pain.

He and I will be having a long talk.  I'll crawl in His lap and rest my head against His chest.  I'll ask Him for more time.  More love.  More memories.  I'll ask Him for strength and wisdom to do what's right. 

Some days I still want to be an ostrich.  But now it's time to step up and be more.  It's my turn to be a superhero...a superhero for my parents.  They have taught me well.



Jaime said...

Sweet Rett. I am praying for you, and your heart and that you feel God's love through all of this.
It's not fun. It's extremely heartbreaking.

Anonymous said...

Yes Rett it is hard no matter how old you are as their daughter and it doesn't matter how old your parents are. I know with my Mom's illness right now, I know what you are experincing and it will be five years ago this week we lost my "Dad" and yes I still miss him and I still cry. God understands when it's hard for you to pray and he knows your pain. He's probably holding you in His lap right now!

Chris and Sarah said...

Wow, Did you warn your mom and dad to have a nox of Puff's ready when they read this?

I understand that season of change because I have starting having to face it too. I have been wondering when all this happened. When did we get old enough that we now have to think about our parents future instead of them thinking about ours?

I'm here for you and praying for your family.

Shonni said...

Oh my shared your heart so beautifully. I am so sorry for the pain your family is facing right now, and that your little girl heart is facing. I will pray for you.

IzzyBeth said...

I'm praying too. You have a way of bleeding your heart and soul on to the page . . .

Let me know if there is anything I can do.

Lori said...

Oh sweet friend, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I sort of have that ostrich-mentality too, stemming back to the death of my father when I was 6 years old. I simply hate to face the painful realities of life.

Lean on the Lord, He is always faithful.

Samantha and Woody said...

Thinking of you!

Adeye said...

Precious friend--boy do I understand. It is such a hard season in life when things take a different road to the one you want to stay on. It hurts like heck--and brings us to our knees. I know that's where He'll find you, and I know that's where you'll find all the comfort and wisdom your heart needs in this season.

I love how beautifully you shared you sweet heart, my friend. You truly are a precious gem in the Kingdom.

Standing with you and trusting that every sickness and every disease your mom is facing WILL bow to the name of Jesus! Trusting for a complete HEALING!!!

Sending you a HUGE hug tonight.

christina said...

I am so sorry that your family is walking through this difficult time. Know that I am praying for you...and trusting that you feel God's comforting presence. Oh, how He loves us!

Sue Lucas said...

It was meant for me to just find your blog today,I will pray for you your Mom and Dad.But dear friend ( in the Lord) You have helped me so very much today!!! I lost my father Jan,12 this year and you have so helped me see my self, My Dad was my superhero!He had a heart attack in 1986 the Lord gave us 24 more years ,although with many set backs and trips to ER and sometimes several weeks a year in the hospital but he would always bounce back God would allow him to get better for my Mom who has had Alzheimers for 7 maybe 8 years.He took care of her.They were married for 66 years on Dec 30th 2009.I feel so lost now ,I am a Christian but as you said for yourself I need to get in my heavenly Fathers lap and have a LONG talk because sometimes I feel I can not go on without him,his funny looks his sense of humor but I know I can do all things through Christ who makes me strong!!I did not mean to be so long but as I pray for you I will pray peace and grace for you.Thank you for being so open and honest with your feelings .SueL