Friday, June 08, 2007

WOW, am I selfish

So, I'm sitting here, awake, at 4:47 a.m. on Friday morning just contemplating life. Yeah, you heard me right...A.M.....I just couldn't sleep. I have been having trouble sleeping this week. Yes, it could be because I haven't gone to bed before 11 and sleep until after 9 (no comments from the peanut gallery, thank you). Anyway, so I got up to catch up on my Internet reading, and got to thinking.

I am one pretty selfish girl to constantly need reassuring that Abby WILL be home one day soon. I always need someone to pat my back, give me a sympathetic look, remind me of God's promises, etc when it comes to our pending parenthood. Where does Abby fit into this? Where does her birthmom fit into this? I mean, I earnestly pray that somewhere halfway around the world, someone is holding her birth mommy's hand as she gives she gives life to our daughter. I pray that someone is whispering in her ear that things will be ok. That the baby she just left on the steps to the orphanage, hospital, or grocery, will be loved much and told often about where she came from. I pray that her birth father got the chance to hold her, smell her, and feel her touch before he handed her back. Who am I to deserve all this support? What am I doing? I'm just sitting here waiting. I don't have a posh life, but I have one that is pretty remarkable. Why do I need to be told a thousand times that everything will work out?

And what about our Abby girl? Who is holding her close and telling her life will soon change, but that it will hold many adventures and love? Is she resting in her birthmother's arms feeling totally at peace? What about her maternal or paternal grandparents? Do they know about Abrielle? Is Abby's cooing reassuring to them that their daughter/son is making the right decision? Are they thinking into the future about her playing outside, or the occupation she will choose to help earn a living? Who is telling them that God has it all worked out?

It's amazing what clarity 5:00 in the morning brings. I realize, I'm one pretty selfish girl. One day, Tony and I will be parents. God willing, it will be to one remarkable little one from China. If not, it will be to another beautiful little one who needs a mommy and daddy. But until then, whenever you wonder how we're doing with the ever-lengthening wait, wonder about Abby's birthmom and dad. Wonder about her China grandparents and family. Wonder about her little heart and mind. Wonder, and then pray for peace for their souls. Pray that they have someone to pat their back, give them a sympathetic look, and tell them it's going to be ok.



Anonymous said...

Ugh..thanks I was trying to go one day without No, but seriously we all get sooo caught up in our own lives, in our own problems, thinking things are getting so bad...but when you step back and actually take a look at yourselves and your own life, then look up at others and the problems they have, and the hardships they have had to go thru....its very humbling.

Rett and Tony, I want you both to know that not a day goes by that I dont think of Abby, and her family over there....I havent taken off the red bracelet since you gave me one. I look at it everyday and smile knowing that one day soon you will have the child you deserve....I know the words of encouragement are getting frustrating, but in your own mind just send thoes words of love and encouragement to abbys family in china.

Sorry for the long winded post, but you made me :p....i love you both.


jkcm said...

Wow, that was amazing! I also, just bawled my eyes out!! God has such a way of humbling me through you. There isn't a week that goes by where I haven't been reminded of your wait AND yout strength! Your story when all is said and done would make one heck of a read for anyone contemplating or going through should consider it since you have wonderful wording, that is a gift :)

Ok, sorry for the sidebar.

The humbling part comes to me SO often in regard to our Chase, especially on the days where he is way over stimulated and LITERALLY bouncing into walls or running into his sister to knock her down and trying to discern which is bad behavior and which is his sensory dysfunction. There are days where I feel so stretched where I just want 2 minutes to myself and then I think of you and tell myself to get over it. That always snaps me out of my whining.

We will pray for Abrielle's birth family and ask that God provide that tender support system that she and her birth parents need and deserve. What are we without support systems?

She is going to have the best Mommy (and Daddy). Look, you are already taking care of her!

mom said...

dear rett ..... what a great story. just wanted you to know we are always praying for abby and both of her familys . her forever familys, both strong ties, past present, and future. and in closing i must say to you , I WISH YOU ENOUGH. I WISH YOU ENOUGH==rain to apprecate the sun even more,,,enuf sun to keep your attidue bright no matter how gray the day''''enuf pain so that even the smallest of joy in life may appear bigger''''enuf loss to appreciate all you possess'''''enuf happiness to keep your spirts alive and everlasting '''' and most of all i wish you enufs hellos to get you thru the finals good-byes.''' and in closing I WISH YOU STARLIT NIGHTS AND SUNLIT MORNS. LOVE YOU BUNCHES , MOM AND DAD SADLER