Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hypocrite!

I'm a fake and a phony.  I can recite scripture.  I can encourage others with God's words.  I can comfort others with God's promises.  But when it comes to me...my life?  All bets are off.

With my mom's recent illness, I have been challenged.  She was so very sick.  She was literally, at death's door.  Many didn't realize that.  I didn't want to acknowledge it, so I didn't share that fact.  It was during this time that I would lean in and tell Mom that God had her in His lap, but when I'd lean back I would hear in my subconscious, "Really?  Do you truly believe that?"

There were many times when I would sing praises to Him.  I would be shaking with joy over her progress.  But it seemed (and sometimes still does seem) that she will take a few steps forward and one step back.  It was as if I'd barely be finished thanking God for His latest miracle in her, and she'd take a turn for the worse.  Or my dad would get sick.  I knew satan was at work.  Taunting me.  In my head, his lies sound a bit like how Yoda speaks. 

"Trust God, you will?  
Thank Him for what?  
Still in the hospital, isn't she? 
Just when you thought your GOD had healed her, she fell ill.  
I will hit you where it hurts.  
Your family.  
I will challenge how you think you feel about God."

I would lie in bed at night during those rough days (if I'm being honest, even this past weekend) and begged God.  Pleaded with Him.  He can move mountains!  Why can't He heal her once and for all?  How could he let my dad get sick too?  My mom needs him!  My dad needs her!  Oh, friends, I'm being from-the-gut real here.  I accused God.  I told Him that I thought I served a mighty God.  I was so angry with Him.  With the whole situation.  
Two steps forward and three steps back does no good for the psyche, you know?   

Yes, scripture says praise Him in all things.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  And I tried.  Oh, how I tried.  I would praise Him that she was still living.  I would thank Him for gifting the doctors with amazing skills.  I would be so grateful that I could walk this road with siblings.  How terrible it would have been to be an only child and facing this!  

But my heart.  I would scream inside my head.  My heart would pound, and break, and race, and stop.  Where was this God that I told others about?  The loving, merciful, great healer?  Was it all a sham?  

Was I a fake Christian?  Who was I to say that I am a child of God?  Good grief, times got rough and I split.  What a good daughter to the King I am.  No wonder non-Christians think we are the biggest hypocrites!  At this point, I was the QUEEN of Hypocrites!  

There were times in our adoption journey that I wondered where God was.  But a wise pastor told me about Kairos.   That chapter in our lives was more about patience and waiting on God.  It was about seeing His picture for our lives, instead of my own.  This time was different.  

Maybe this post today is a place where I can...

JUST. BE. REAL..  

I am weak.
I stumble.
I question.
I wonder.
I cry.
I worry.
I wait.
I learn.
I grow.
I change.
I challenge.
I am.


Mom's journey to wellness is certainly not over.  She and dad have to learn their "new normal" as far as living goes.  They need to work on making a lot of things stronger...her legs, her body, their bond, their relationship.  They will be challenged.  I will be challenged.

I am just praying now that God prepares my heart.  That this last round of spiritual calisthenics strengthened my spiritual muscle so much that when the next valley appears on the horizon, I won't be tempted to jump ship.  I'm praying I will stand strong on all those promises I KNOW to be true.  We DO serve a mighty God.  One whose heart breaks for what breaks ours. I need to train.  To fill my heart and mind with scripture.  To revisit my Memorial Box posts where I have evidence of God's faithfulness.  

And I'll need your prayer.  Stand beside me in prayer.  Don't judge me.  I'm human.  I falter.  Just pray that I'm stronger next time, because we all know there will be a next time.

Thanks for letting me be transparent.

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6 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh it does the heart good to be honest doesn't it? Sorry to tell you that your human my friend. My guess is that even those very, very strong Christians have very weak moments too.

Lori said...

Oh sweet friend, I love your honest heart. And if we are all honest along with you, we can sincerely say that we've all been where you are in one way or another.

I really needed to hear your well-written words today. Thank you.

You are a treasure.

Shonni said...

I am so sorry for your pain and the pain of your parents. I am paying for you.

The Thomasson's said...

One of the greatest things in God's Story is redemption. The fact that we will fail, but yet God is there loving us all along the way. I think in times likes this where we find our selves questioning can also be where we see our faith grow 10 times over. The key is to continually seek him.

Love you Rett!

susieloulou said...

Oh, the good news is - you don't need big faith - you have a big God!!!
I haven't seen anyone moving mountains lately, so I'm thinking mustard seed is much bigger than most of ours :-)

IzzyBeth said...

Believe me, I'm feeling your pain and praying right along with you. You're way more honest than I have been with myself or with others.

Love you.